Ængelbert the Unpredictable

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<div class="title">''Ængelbert'' ''the'' ''Unpredictable''</div> <div class="center">By Harley Viveash</div> <div class="center">Turn to Page: [[The Setup|Introduction]] [[Play|Ready to Begin]] [[Credits]]</div>

<<cacheaudio "theme" "music/medieval.mp3">> <<setplaylist "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme" "theme">> <<playlist play>>

Welcome noble liege, to this ancient (and yet somehow interactive) opus, accounting the adventures of: <div class="title">''Ængelbert the Unpredictable!''</div> <center><img src="images/engelbert.jpg" width=30%></center> Which makes sense because, of course, YOU are Ængelbert themself – the noble, if notably fickle, knight of this old Arthurian realm. Like with any such ‘text-based’ tome, you must make the best choices to successfully and safely navigate a day in the life of your erratic adventurer - as you quest to the annual Cavalier's Ball, at the castle of His Youthful and Radiant Highness, the Prince Garnier. <div class="center">''[[However...|The Catch]]''</div>

Unlike any perfunctory choice-based game, Ængelbert's decisions, how you interact with the various individuals and environments encountered along your way, will be entirely out of your control. Those choices, be they cruel or compassionate, cowardly or incongruous, will made by the inconstant and ever-incalculable mood-swings of Ængelbert themselves. Without your say-so... “Yet how doth we, the player, influence the narrative in any meaningful sense, squire?”, I hear you dutifully and somewhat historically-accurately ask. Well, there is one aspect of your capricious character you do still have control over: your INVENTORY. While you cannot decide Ængelbert's exact course of action, each turn you will decide <div class="center">[[WHICH ITEM YOU MUST WIELD...|Item 1: SWORD]]</div>

Over your journey, you must select from one of the following SIX artefacts – the proud materials at your gallant young knight’s disposal... <div class="center">''ITEM 1:''</div> <center>[img[images/swordsideways.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''EXPIALIDOSHUR''</div> <div class="center">''THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING''</div> A fine broadsword sharpened to within an inch of its life, no noggin in safe is whilst this weapon is wielded. (Perhaps [[not even your own...|Item 2: CROWN]])

<div class="center">''ITEM 2:''</div> <center>[img[images/crown.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''SPLENDORE''</div> <div class="center">''THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH''</div> A gold coronet, embedded with rubies and sapphires each worth more than your average small town. (Let’s hope it [[finds a good home...|Item 3: POTION]])

<div class="center">''ITEM 3:''</div> <center>[img[images/potion.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''UNGUENSIA''</div> <div class="center">''THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING''</div> A vial of hallowed oil from the font of St Arrivederci, this extraordinary tincture was said to do... some kind of holy magic...? (What exactly does [[this thing do again?|Item 4: LANCE]])

<div class="center">''ITEM 4:''</div> <center>[img[images/lance.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''LANCE-A-LONG''</div> <div class="center">''THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH''</div> A brand-new innovation, this completely collapsible pole makes both a handy jousting and adventuring tool (How far does [[this thing go...?|Item 5: RIBBON]])

<div class="center">''ITEM 5:''</div> <center>[img[images/ribbon.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''TRILLBURY''</div> <div class="center">''THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION''</div> This silken banner displays your noble lineage, but can also be floruished with incredible delicacy and grace. ([[Nothing 'standard' about this item...|Item 6: CHICKEN]])

And finally, of course... <div class="center">''ITEM 6:''</div> <center>[img[images/chicken.jpg]]</center> <div class="title">''CHAUNCEY''</div> <div class="center">''THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE''</div> Your trusty, poultry companion, who is yet to demonstrate a shred of practical utility (but surely this day's journey is [[his time to shine...|Stats Page]])

Your actions through the journey will determine your overall marker of success: your CHIVALRY RANK. This rank in turn will be determined by the following markers, which indicate how strictly you have adhered to your promised knightly principles: <<set $health to 100>> <<set $honour to 50>> <<set $bravery to 50>> <<set $courtesy to 50>> <<set $might to 50>>\ \ HONOUR: $honour/100 BRAVERY: $bravery/100 COURTESY: $courtesy/100 MIGHT: $might/100 You will start out with these decidedly undistinctive digits – average scores which Ængelbert’s choices are certain to quickly amend. If any of them reach 0, however, that's sure to disastrously affect your Chivaly Rank [[overall...|Health]]

And, of course, you must also make sure to keep track of your Health and do all you can not to perish in the field of lordly duty: <div class="health">HEALTH: $health</div> Your Health won’t affect your Chivalry Rank though – unless, that is, you run out of it entirely, and therefore there is no Ængelbert the Unpredictable [[left to rank...|Ready to Begin]]

So remember, the choice of action is out of your control. You will give yourself over to whatever impulsive decision strikes you at the time. Therefore select that which is within your power, your wielded commodity, wisely. If you are ready brave champion, let the journey to Castle Garnier [[COMMENCE...|Scenario LION]] <<set $sword to true>>\ <<set $crown to true>>\ <<set $potion to true>>\ <<set $lance to true>>\ <<set $ribbon to true>>\ <<set $chicken to true>>\ <<set $health to 100>>\ <<set $honour to 50>>\ <<set $bravery to 50>>\ <<set $courtesy to 50>>\ <<set $might to 50>>\

No sooner have you left your personal manor to calmly venture across the land, than you’ve stumbled across a fearsome beast in the fields before you: a savage LION. (One of, if medieval manuscripts are to be believed, a great many Lions that roamed free-reign across the English countryside...) <center><img src="images/lion.jpg" width=50%></center> This creature appears to have several younglings under its protection, baring its ghastly fangs at you, Ængelbert, [[as you approach...|LION Choices]]

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) ATTACK THE LION''</div> "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''b) GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS''</div> "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''c) DANCE FOR THE CREATURE''</div> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <a data-passage="Lion Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <a data-passage="Lion Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <a data-passage="Lion Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <a data-passage="Lion Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <a data-passage="Lion Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <a data-passage="Lion Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> </center> <<set $lion to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Lion Attack Sword]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Lion Cubs Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Lion Dance Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Lion Attack Crown]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Lion Cubs Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Lion Dance Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Lion Attack Potion]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Lion Cubs Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Lion Dance Potion]]\ <</if>>\ </span> </center>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Lion Attack Lance]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Lion Cubs Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Lion Dance Lance]]\ <</if>>\ </span> </center>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/ribbon.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION |Lion Attack Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION |Lion Cubs Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION |Lion Dance Ribbon]]\ <</if>>\ </span> </center>

<center> <<if $lion is 1>>\ "I must smite this feral beast, today it meet its timely end... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''ATTACK THE LION'', with... \ <<elseif $lion is 2>>\ "The mother will surely not fight me if I treat her infants to... THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''GIVE A GIFT TO THE CUBS'', and have selected... \ <<else>> "This beast need not be harmed, it will simply be dazzled... by THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ''DANCE FOR THE CREATURE'', with... <</if>> [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $lion is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Lion Attack Chicken]]\ <<elseif $lion is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Lion Cubs Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Lion Dance Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

"Take this, abhorrent feline!" You unsheathe EXPIALIDOSHUR and in one swift lunge smite the Lion's pate clean off its shoulders. Its young look up at you in horror as you drop the gleaming blade, stunned at its (and your) ferocious power, and rush onwards [[across the field...|Scenario MONKS]] <<set $sword to false>>

Your instrument of choice for a solo paso doble of intimidating prowess... Of course: your incredibly sharp sword. The lion, in terror, backs away with its young as you swing the blade back and forth in an elaborate sword-dance, with more enthusiasm than precision - taking a few nicks along the way but luckily escaping with your [[own neck still intact...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lionafter2.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $sword to false>>

"Take a look at this sword young - AAAH!" Oh dear. I'm sure you meant that gesture in good will, but you seem to have accidentally decapitated this pack of innocent young brutes in one all too enthusiastic swoop... The lion, unsuprisingly, attacks you ferociously, as you rush off across the field, convincing yourself that those adorable cubs would have surely grown into feral unholy monsters... [[Surely...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lionafter.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $sword to false>>

"Take this, abhorrent feline!" You reach into your satchel and pluck out... SPLENDORE, the most valuable thing you own! Without much time to think and the lion ready to pounce, you throw the heavy golden ballast at the creature's head, knocking it backwards dazed and confused - giving yourself enough time to run away in an unharmed, [[if unbecoming, fashion...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lionafter.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

You pluck the crown from your belongings to be your worthy dance partner, clutched close to your chest and spun from arm to arm in feats of impressively dexterous skill. Skill you fear, however, the lion completely missed, as the sun's ray's reflecting off its resplendant golden surface temporarily blinded the creature - also rendering it unable to attack you until you had completed your routine, dropped the object, and promptly [[journeyed on...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"Have this, young felines - a regal offering for the most royal of creatures." Both lion and cubs, however, seem confused at what exactly they are supposed to do with a golden crown of incalculable value - though they are not offended. In fact, the mother chases you for several miles to try to reurn it to you - but such a treasure, once offered, could [[never nobly be accepted back...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"Take this, abhorrent feline!" You uncork the vial's lid and chuck the holy contents at the creature, certain the sacred oil will dissolve this demonic beast on the spot... But no! The lion if anything seems to be strengthened by its regenerative power! You are promptly pounced on and ferociously attacked, before a brief respite from the mauling gives you a chance to [[escape onwards...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $potion to false>>

Popping the cork off the vial, and quickly dispensing of your armour and undershirt, you pour the tincture over yourself and dance in a truly mesmerising display. Smeared in golden oil, and lit from behind by the burning English sun, the lion can only look on in wonder at this herculean display. Transfixed, they watch in quiet awe as you redress and [[continue on...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $potion to false>>

"Drink from this, little ones!" At first wary of your offer to feed her young, the lion subsides as she sees the restorative power of the tincture take effect. Her infants, struggling to survive in the unfamiliar landscape of South Devon, are strengthened by the holy ointment, and the mother bows to you as you [[continue on your way...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $potion to false>>

As the lion stalks closer ready to pounce, you unfurl your handily collapsible Lance to its full length, and use it to keep the creature at bay. Like an experienced tamer in the ring, you circle each other from a distance, manipulating the creature from afar until you can reach your trusty steed [[and ride away...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $lance to false>>

You unfurl your LANCE-A-LONG to its entirety to twirl as a proud baton in your gymnastic dance display... Yet its staggering length, almost twice your height, makes it impossible unwieldy. You thwack the previously sedate lion across the chops with the lance, who pounces in relatation, gnawing through your armour as you [[flee onwards...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $lance to false>>

"Look at this litte ones, the lance unfurls from just this small to - WOOOAH!" Oh dear, Ængelbert. Unfortunately your attempt to excite the young cubs with the unfolding LANCE-A-LONG has resulted in your collpasible pole extending at a drastic pace in their direction. Forcing the young from their nest, they wail in pain as the lion turns to you with a look that only a protective mother could give... You take a fair few bites as you [[flee for the hills...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $lance to false>>

You glower down at the approaching lion, returning its roar with a snarl as you reveal your weapon: A FANCY RIBBON. You almost see the lion smirk as it tears the fabric, and you, to shreds before its giggling cubs. You crawl despondently back to your steed to lead onwards and, [[hopefully, upwards...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $ribbon to false>>

You know within your heart this beast does not require violence to pacify it... but FLAIR! You whip the regal flowing ribbon to your side, twirling it acrobatically about, wrapping it round your shoulders, throwing and catching the fabric in mesmerising, cascading falls... The lion sits and watches in awe as your dance ends, a single tear flowing from one cheek as it watches you wind the fabric gracefully to the ground, and walk off into the distance - truly a new [[lord of the dance...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $ribbon to false>>

"Play with this to your heart's content, little ones!" You dangle the banner above the young felines, who scratch and paw excitedly at the ribbon, until they wrestle it from you and jostle it between themselves, distracted and content. The lion looks across to you and sheer relief that the cubs are quiet for once, and nods a head gratefully as you [[walk away...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $ribbon to false>>

The lion stalks towards you, ready to pounce as you drop to your knees and cower behind... your CHICKEN, CHAUNCEY. Those avian eyes look back at you in horror as you trust in your animal companion, who turns back to the lion to find... It has bowed in absolute subjugation to its new king! A look of equal parts terror and awe in its eye, the lion has collaped to its knees at the feet of Chauncey, who you leave to watch over his new devout subjects, [[with pride...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lionchicken.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $chicken to false>>

Who else could possibly serve as dance partner to you, but your oldest pal CHAUNCEY the CHICKEN? You begin to dance with him arm-in-arm, your feathered friend weaving in and out of your swooping getures, in a wonderful duet rehearsed and honed over many years... However, the lion has clearly interpreted this display as a fine presentation of its next meal, and before you can reunite back for the final lunge, Chauncey is gobbled up. Contented and full for now, the lion watches you [[despondently journey on...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $chicken to false>>

"Enjoy this, little ones! You look like you could do with a tasty meal!" Your ertswhile friend Chauncey looks up at you in horror as you slowly lower him into the nest of lion cubs, quickly turning your back on the sound of high-pitched roaring and depserate squawks... The lion mother, grateful for her children's full and particularly fresh meal, lets you [[continue onwards...|Scenario MONKS]] <center><img src="images/lioncrown.jpg" max-height:300px></center> <<set $chicken to false>>

Before venturing through the overgrown forest, you swing by your local monastery - the best spot in town for some well-made ale and a guaranteed bit of piece and quiet... But, egads! You find that the monks have been smitted with a foul-demonic plague, and vomitting forth from their mouths are an unending deluge of toads! <center><img src="images/frogmonks.png" max-width:400px></center> They rush towards you with pleading eyes and silent, agape, frog-filled mouths, mutedly begging you with their eyes for [[some form of aid...|MONKS Choices]]

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) ADMINISTER A CURE''</div> "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''b) OFFER THEM CHARITY''</div> "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." <div class="fakelink">''c) KEEP THEM AWAY!''</div> "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <<if $sword is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $crown is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $potion is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $lance is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $ribbon is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $chicken is true>> <a data-passage="Monks Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> </center> <<set $monks to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Monks Administer Sword]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Monks Offering Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Monks KeepBack Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Monks Administer Crown]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Monks Offering Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Monks KeepBack Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Monks Administer Potion]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Monks Offering Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Monks KeepBack Potion]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Monks Administer Lance]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Monks Offering Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Monks KeepBack Lance]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/ribbon.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Monks Administer Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Monks Offering Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Monks KeepBack Ribbon]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $monks is 1>>\ "Lend me your foreheads monks, I will cure you all with just one touch of THIS!" You, Ængelburt, have chosen to ADMINISTER A CURE, applying to their bald forreds... \ <<elseif $monks is 2>>\ "I know not how to save you bald-friends - please accept my deep sympathies, and THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen OFFER THEM CHARITY, and your offering is... \ <<else>>\ "Keep back, frog-vomitting fiends! Your foul pestilence shall be kept at bay, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to KEEP THEM AWAY, with... <</if>>\ [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $monks is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Monks Administer Chicken]]\ <<elseif $monks is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Monks Offering Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Monks KeepBack Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

"That's it Friar, just bend down here and I will administer this - " Oh dear. It appears you have administered a lethal, decapitating blade onto an exposed and notably bare head... Well it's certainly done the job! The monks are wailing in agony, abandoning their vow of silence to curse you and throw stones as you ride off, [[scalded and swordless..|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monksspree.jpg"></center> <<set $sword to false>>

"Take this sword Friar, I hope it brings some comfort." You are astonished to hear the monk break his vow of silence to scream in anger at your empty gesture - now wielding a ferocious blade! You are struck several times by your own sword as you beg for forgiveness, fleeing towards the forest with a newfound [[phobia for the monastical...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $sword to false>>

"Stay back, plagued devils!" You swing EXPIALIDOSHUR wildly in a frenzied bloodbath, keeping the monks at bay with your gleaming sword. The remaining monks retreat into a newly quiet cloister, still cursed and keen to fill many a manuscript with the foul [[nature of your misdeeds...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monksspree.jpg"></center> <<set $sword to false>>

"Let me place this ancient crown on your pate, lest it do heal you, Friar." "Why thank you for this appointment, noble champion!" You are shocked to hear the Friar break his vow of silence, between bouts of retching, to explain that by placing the Crown of SPLENDORE on his head you have officially coronated him as a new minor-sovereign. The monks (through the frogs) sound overjoyed, but you suspect you should keep this presumptuous act to yourself when you reach the [[court of Prince Garnier...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monkscrown.jpg" max-height: 200px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"Please take this meagre offering of my condolences..." "WE'RE RICH! WE'RE STINKING RICH!" You are shocked to hear the monks (between bouts of ambphibian spewing) break their vows of silence to proclaim in jubiliation at their newfound riches! They seem thoroughly distracted from their pestilence - conpsiring about whether to spend their newfound wealth on a cure or just on big golden chairs, as [[you sneak away...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monkscrown.jpg" max-height: 200px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"Stay back, I tell thee!" you shout as you lob the nearest thing to hand towards them - Splendore, the most expensive possession you own... You watch it sail towards and over the monks who, enraptured by golden beauty, chase it back towards the monastery, their eyes ablaze with greed and fury as they scrap over the crown as it disappears beneath a [[sea of toads...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monkscrown.jpg" max-height: 200px></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"Golly boy, I hope this works..." You uncork the vial and sprinkle the balm liberally across the foreheads of the pleading monks, wading in amongst the crowd to do so. If this remedy doesn't work you've definitely caught this foul plague now... But then, a miracle. Scars and boils fade from off the monks' exposed scalps, they stand up tall and still, and with one final burp the deluge of frogs comes to a sudden end. The monks embrace you in sheer joy, and you leave content that you not only saved a monastery, but [[prevented a disaster...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monkscontent.jpg" max-height: 250px></center> <<set $potion to false>>

"Please accept this bottle of... I don't know, but -" "UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING!" You are stunned to see one of the monks break his vow of silence to proclaim his joy at finding this holy relic from the font of St Arrivederci himself. You offer that if the oil is for healing it may well cure them - to which the monks reply that they could not possibly use such a precious heirloom for such a temporary purpose. They shuffle back into the monastery gratefully to hoard the antiquity, still spewing their frogspawn, as you [[depart from them in confusion...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monksjoy.jpg" max-height: 200px></center> <<set $potion to false>>

"I order you to stay back!" you shout towards the monks, hurling at them the closest thing to hand: UNGUENSIA, the potion that you could never quite remember what it does... The monks, however, recognise the item and dive to catch the restorative tincture... but too late. It smashes before them on the ground, its holy balm seeping into the earth. You watch as the monks lick sorrowfully at the soil in vain, looking up at you scowlingly as you [[hurry away...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $potion to false>>

"Let me annoint you with this, errr... holy Lance!" You extend the LANCE-A-LONG to its full length, gently tapping the foreheads of the monks from a vast distance. This, of course, has absolutely no effect on the monks, but you get the feeling that using the lance to keep them at a safe distance might have been [[a good idea for your health...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Take this extendable LANCE, my brethren. Once at full length, you can use it as a tool of measurement, to keep yourselves at a safe distance from each other, and prevent contagions like this spreading." The monks are enraptured and grateful for your clearly advanced medicinal knowledge. They accept the lance and spread out in an equidistant crowd to watch you [[gallantly ride on...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $lance to false>>

"You shall not come within six and a half feet of me, do you hear?!" You know the perfect tool to measure such an exact distance of hygienically conscious width: LANCE-A-LONG, your extendable pole! Swinging it left to right as the hoard of slow-marching, frog-retching monks approach, you keep them all at bay as you make your way back to your steed and ride [[towards the forest...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Let me drape this soothing fabric on your crowns, my children." You sanctimoniously wade through the plague-ridden mob of monks, softly dangling your ribbon atop their foreheads... Which, of course, does absolutely nothing. Furious at your tokenistic gesture, the monks surround you and angrily dig their overgrown nails into your exposed skin. You rush off towards the forest, a few small scars and boils appearing on the [[back of your hand...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"Please, I cannot offer much, but take this banner as a token of my condolences and generosity." "...Is that it?!!" You are appalled to see the monks immediately break their vow of silence in outright dismay at your lack of sufficient charity. They tear apart the banner in flagrant fury, and chase you to your steed, leaving their overgrown-nailed-clawmarks in her hide, and their curse within her veins, as you [[ride on...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

Stay back, I beg you, please!" You pull out the nearest item to hand, your regal silk ribbon, and waft if back and forth before you with such blind panic that the monks are temporarily transfixed. Enraptured by the cloth banners mesmeric intricate folds, you toss is behind you as you flee, glancing behind as the monks' distraction is broken and all too late [[their true returns...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"I know exactly what to apply to soothe your pain..." Poor Chauncey. The restorative powers of chicken blood are apocryphal but believed widely across these lands. Having applied your crimson cure to the grateful monks, you journey onwards, hoping that helping others is the ending [[Chauncey would have wanted...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"Take him, before I change my mind!" You extend your beloved pet chicken CHAUNCEY towards the monks, sharing one last look with his sorrowful confused eyes before you drop him into their desperate grasp. You never knew whether he would serve as a faithful companion to them too, or simply as a desperate meal to be wolfed down between frog-bouts - but you hoped [[it was the former...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <center><img src="images/monksjoy.jpg" max-height: 200px></center> <<set $chicken to false>>

"You shall not come closer! Chauncey, attack!" With the minimal self-awareness that characterises his kind, Chauncey, chucked in mid-air towards the pestilent monks, flies towards them beak agape and pecks, flaps, and screams, to protect his master. As you ride off, you look back to catch a glimpse of a now infected Chauncey, looking back at you in confusion as he spits out [[a single tadpole...|Scenario RIDDLE]] <<set $chicken to false>>

As you reach the entrance to the forest, you are stopped in your tracks by a shrill voice from the branches above. Looking around, you are met with a monstrous abomination - a cockatricical hybrid of bird and man... <center>//"Now hold it right there, gallant knight! If you wish not to face a fight Before you cross this hallowed wood, Its guardian must please you should, By doing what is asked of you And solving now my RIDDLE true..."//</center> <center><img src="images/birdman.jpg" max-width:200px></center> You knew not whether to be more confused by its unnatural features or its strangled syntax, but you heard out the riddle: <center>//“To the noise of a bird Unite one third Of a fruit that grows in the field; And they will declare What those do wear Who [[regal authority wield...|RIDDLE Choices]]"//</center>

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) ATTACK THE BIRDMAN''</div> "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''b) DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN''</div> "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''c) SOLVE THE RIDDLE''</div> "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <<if $sword is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $crown is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $potion is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $lance is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $ribbon is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $chicken is true>> <a data-passage="Riddle Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> </center> <<set $riddle to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Riddle Attack Sword]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Riddle Distract Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Riddle Solution Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Riddle Attack Crown]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Riddle Distract Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Riddle Solution Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Riddle Attack Potion]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Riddle Distract Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Riddle Solution Potion]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Riddle Attack Lance]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Riddle Distract Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Riddle Solution Lance]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/ribbon.jpg] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Riddle Attack Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Riddle Distract Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Riddle Solution Ribbon]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $riddle is 1>>\ "I have no time for poxy riddles - I'll smite this abomination with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ATTACK THE BIRDMAN, with... <<elseif $riddle is 2>>\ "I'm, err, sure I'll crack the solution - but for now why don't you take a quick look at THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to DISTRACT THE GUARDIAN, with... <<else>>\ "Wise puzzler, you almost had me fooled! But I lay before your feet the solution you seek - THIS." You, Ængelbert have chosen to SOLVE THE RIDDLE, and your answer is... <</if>>\ [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $riddle is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Riddle Attack Chicken]]\ <<elseif $riddle is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Riddle Distract Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Riddle Solution Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

You swiftly sever the miniature human head from its foul attachment to the avian body, before it can continue with its monstrous rhymes... But as you look down to the ground, you see the spectral figure of a nude human body, a ghostly torso and legs, appear attached to the head, before the reunited dissolves in the wind. You sense that a great evil was undone here today, and walk through the wood for once [[contented with your violent actions...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $sword to false>>

"Take a look at this gleaming sword, so bright you can see your face in -" "HWAET is that thing? ...Is that what I look like?!!" Confused and horrified by its own reflection, the abomination wails human tears that fall onto its feathered breast, before flying off into the forest in utter dismay. 'Know thyself', you think to yourself, taking one swift glimpse at your own handsome complexion in the blade's edge before [[crossing the forest...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $sword to false>>

"The Sword - what else should be worn by one of regal authority?" "...You could not be more wrong! No bird or fruit do I see in 'Sword!' ... I'm so disgusted I can't even rhyme, how dare you!" Flustered and offended by your poor logic, the bird-man pecks ferociously at your skull and, with no sword to defend yourself with, suffer several beak-shaped gashes as you [[flee across the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $sword to false>>

"Have at thee, foul creature!" "Why congratulations, yes, the... wait hang on!" The bird-man realises all too late that you are not presenting a solution to him but in fact lobbing a solid golden crown at his head. Bludgeoned from his branch, the guardian watches you in bewilderment, rubbing its fleshy forehead as you [[run off through the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $crown to false>>

"Have a look at this, while I think of the solution!" "But my good, unfeathered friend! You..." His voice trails off as you not-so-sneakily slink off through the forest, the crown's glorious grandour clearly having been enough to temporarily distract the guardian. But working out the true solution to that riddle is going to really bug you... [[What COULD it have been...?|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $crown to false>>

"The answer is, of course, A CROWN." ".....Correct! A 'crow' and an 'onion' combined - you cracked it! That's the first time someone's solved the riddle of the wood in fifty years of guardianship!" You are almost as bemused as the bird-man that your solution was indeed correct, and leave SPLENDORE with him as proof of your [[cranial prowes...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $crown to false>>

You open the flask and chuck the hallowed contents up towards the monstrous bird-man on his branch. You are sure that this should instantly evaporate such a fiendish creature... And yet, the combination of the holy oil and this unholy beast has combined in a truly abhorrent transformation... The bird-man has swollen to a monstrous size, snapping the branch beneath him and now towering over you! He pecks at you in inescapable fury, and you run into the woods [[certain of what horrors your next nightmares will bring...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $potion to false>>

"Errr, watch this while I solve your riddle!" You pour some of the holy tincture on the ground, and the bird-man watches captivated as a sprig rises from the soil, slowly budding into a small sapling within a few seconds. "Incredible! With this I can help the forest grow for acres and acres!" You leave the phial with the guardian, unsure if the forest you are now crossing will be twice the size by the [[time you journey back home...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $potion to false>>

"Well the 'fruit that grows in the field' must be an 'ONION', so my solution... is a POTION." The bird-man ruminates for a second... "Fascinating... And what bird have you encountered that's distinctive call sounds like the first part of the word 'Potion'.... "Errrm... A peacock that is particularly 'P-OH-sh'??" With no warning the bird-man attacks you, out of sheer offended credulity. You take a few pecks as you shake him off fleeing through the wood, but are certain you hear at list a small, belated [[chuckle in the distance...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $potion to false>>

"You wish to fight me rather than face a simple puzzle? Well, you'll have to reach me all the way up on in this - BWAAAAAH!" Within the blink of an eye, the LANCE-A-LONG fully extends within your grip to knock the bird-man off his perch, plummeting straight to the ground below with a hard thump. You drop the unwieldy pole and scamper off, grateful you had an implement to reach the gloating little warbler [[in speedy fashion...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Look at how far the incredible LANCE-A-LONG can reach!" You unfurl your handy extendable pole reaching into the woods, as the bird-man taps a small claw on his branch unimpressed and awaiting your solution... But suddenly, you feel a pulled on the other end of the pole, and are yanked through the barbed bushes of the forest with incredible speed... Only to find when you arrive that there is [[nobody on the other end of the pole...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Any regal authority must of course wield... a LANCE!" "That's not even how the structure of the riddle worked! Was my Syntax really so discombobulating?" The bird-man flies down and beats you for your foolishness with your own lance, whacking you across the helm so hard that the true solution comes to you, as you [[scamper across the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $lance to false>>

You fling your regal banner up towards the branch and watch it limply fall beside the guardian "I'm not even sure what you were trying to do there but it certainly wasn't a solution... Which means..." The bird-man swoops towards you, pecking ferociously through the chinks in your armour. You cover your eyes and scamper into the wood, certain that beautiful ribbon [[could have come in handy one day...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"I find myself able to concentrate better... with the sound of flourishing fabric..." You begin to swoop around the forest clearing with your ribbon in tow, weaving a hypnotic display of cascading cloth to distract the bird-man... And it works! As the banner falls, where the guardian expected to see you there is only an empty space, and as you run off from your distraction you hear a resounding 'crow' of frustration [[sound across the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"What?? How on earth could a solution possibly be a ribbon?!" The guardian looks down at you disdainfully. "Ah, but you see, this resplendant standard's name is 'Trillbury'. Birds do certainly 'trill', and 'berries' do certainly grow in the field... do they not?" "But... But that's not... NO ONE HAS EVER...!!" The bird-man explodes before your eyes. You walk on through the wood, satisified with this outcome and chuffed with your own [[avant-garde mental reasoning...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"I know exactly the opponent to face you, feathered fiend." You turn to CHAUNCEY, who nods at you in approval. Flinging him up onto the branch, the two face-off in closely fought bird-on-bird combat. A flurry of pecks and taloned kicks ensues, until finally one of the fowls falls... You look up to see CHAUNCEY, proudly stood astride his branch pedastal - the new [[guardian of the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"CHAUNCEY, you know the drill." Your companion nods back, and with a seductive ruffle of his feathers, strolls on past the bird-man. "Now who would this feathered friend of yours happen to be? I don't believe I've had the honour..." Through a series of clucks and squawks, you watch as the guardian falls head over talons for your magnificent chicken associate. You sense Chauncey's flirtation may be less of a scam than you intended, and leave the fledgling couple to [[get to know each other better...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"My solution - A CHICKEN!" "No, no, no - I wasn't after a literal bird! As grateful as I am to see a fellow fowl... INCORRECT!" The bird-man flies down to admonish you for your poor riddle-solving skills. CHAUNCEY can only shake his beak in dismay as you are pecked t shreds, and flee [[through the wood...|Scenario BOATS]] <<set $chicken to false>>

After a brief journey through the forest, you emerge at the edge of a lake - at the centre of which the island of Castle Garnier sits, awaiting your arrival for the Annual Cavalier's Tournament and Banquet. But you're not alone. It turns out all the other knights who've journeyed for today's festivites are here, including your greatest chivalric rival, Æubrey the Dependable... <center><img src="images/boats.jpg"></center> You are all crammed into a few small boats tossed out onto the choppy waters of the lake, as a dark and booming storm whips up around you. Your fellow knights are nervous of being thrown overboard in the storm, and keen to get to the island as quickly as possible. But there is also a tiny rowboat up ahead, with a lone [[dishevelled individual inside...|BOATS Choices]]

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE''</div> "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." <div class="fakelink">''b) HELP TO ROW FASTER''</div> "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''c) LIGHTEN THE LOAD''</div> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <<if $sword is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $crown is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $potion is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $lance is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $ribbon is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $chicken is true>> <a data-passage="Boats Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> </center> <<set $riddle to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Boats Assist Sword]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Boats Row Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Boats Discard Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Boats Assist Crown]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Boats Row Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Boats Discard Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Boats Assist Potion]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Boats Row Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Boats Discard Potion]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Boats Assist Lance]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Boats Row Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Boats Discard Lance]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/ribbon.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Boats Assist Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Boats Row Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Boats Discard Ribbon]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $boats is 1>>\ "No peril is worse than the thought of a stranger unhelped - friend, take THIS." You have chosen to ASSIST THE LONE FIGURE, offering them... <<elseif $boats is 2>>\ "Never fear knights, I can 'stick my oar in' to speed us up... with THIS!" You have chosen to HELP TO ROW FASTER, using... <<else>> "We're too heavy, fellow knights - I must selflessly throw THIS overboard..." You have chosen to LIGHTEN THE LOAD, by tossing into the lake... <</if>>\ [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $boats is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Boats Assist Chicken]]\ <<elseif $boats is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Boats Row Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Boats Discard Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

"Here lonely boatman, take this sword and - WHOOPS!" One sudden shift in the boat on those choppy waters and off comes to travller's head clean from his shoulders! Your fellow knights look on in horror as you needlessly decapitate an innocent man in a rowboat. Not your finest display of knightly virtues. <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> But you do notice that [[the storm somewhat subsides...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $sword to false>>

"My sword shall serve as a fine oar!" You stab EXPIALIDOSHUR into the water which it cuts through like butter, and thrash the water ferociously. It works somewhat, though your fellow knights are unimpressed by your attention-seeking display - and by the several headless fish that keep rising to the surface [[in your wake...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $sword to false>>

"I must forego even my weapon itself to speed us across these waters..." Your fellow knights are impressed by your sarcifice, and watch as EXPIALIDOSHUR sinks down into the lake, no doubt to be discovered years later by another gallant hero. They, however, do not follow suit - keeping their swords close by their side for protection - and Æubrey the Dependable looks at you with a glint of [[opportunity in their eye...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $sword to false>>

"Take this crown, lone wanderer! If you make it to the other side you shall be a rich man indeed!" The humbly-dressed figure looks gratefully at the golden diadem of SPLENDORE... and slowly raises his arms to the heavens, swirling them about and muttering arcane incantations, until the storm is magically calmed! You thank the mysterious elder, and your fellow knights look on in wonder as though you somehow knew his secret sorcerous identity [[all along...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> <<set $crown to false>>

"With this crown I shall row us to safety!" You stick SPLENDORE the crown into the water, and begin to thrash it back and forth in the choppy waters... Sadly this hollow crown has proven useless as a means of escape. Commentary on the ineffective nature of monarchy, or merely the panic of a madman at sea? The knights are unsure but look on in dismay as the crown is eventually lost [[to the lake's depths...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $crown to false>>

"This is truly the heaviest, most valuable thing I own... and here we must part." After one last inspection of its radiant gems, you toss SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH over the side of the boat and watch the rare treasure sink to the ocean floor. The boat does indeed speed up without such a gauchely-embellished load, and the knights applaud your [[unstingy sacrfifice...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $crown to false>>

"Take this holy tincture friend. I know not what it does, but... OH GOODNESS!" You watch as the lone traveller sips from the holy phial and is immediately transformed into a dolphin! But far from flustered by this sudden subjection to polymorphism, the shark swims alongside your boat, accepting a rope tossed to its mouth before tugging your vessel safely to shore! The knights look on in wonder at your latent magical talents, and the dolphin rises from the lake to wave one last time [[before swimming away...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> <<set $potion to false>>

"This holy potion shall speed us to shore, my fellow champions!" The knights laugh as you uncork your ointment and pour its contents over the boats side... but are immediately dumbfounded when the waters surroudning your vessel begin to calm! The choppy waters are magically sedated to a serene stillness, the waves parting around your boat to speed you safely and majestically [[to the island...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $potion to false>>

"I must forego this holy tincture, from the font of St Arrivederci himself! Farewell, faithful relic." Farwell indeed. No sooner do you chuck the phial, still corked, overr the ship's edge, turning your back on this pious antiquity, than the storm seems to worsen immediately! The knights are all in agreement that the heavens have cursed you for abandoning your knightly devotion, and the journey to reach the island is frosty, [[in more ways than one...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $potion to false>>

"I believe this extendable Lance should serve as a handy pole for - HEY WAIT!" You watch on as the mysterious figure elongates your LANCE-A-LONG, plunges it into the surface of the lake, and uses it to punt merrily away... The knights look at you frustrated that you did not use the tool for such a purpose yourself, but nonetheless impressed at your [[charitable offer...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> <<set $lance to false>>

"This is the perfect implement - with the LANCE-A-LONG I can reach the lake bed itself!" Your fellow knights watch in amazement as the lance extends to its full length and you, standing proudly at the stern of the boat, plunge it into the waters and begin to punt your way across the lake! For a moment the knights are transported from these tempestuous waters to the calm of a Venetian canal, and you gondola the vessel over to the island [[in record time...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Goodbye, trusty lance. I could have done so much more with you..." The boat does somewhat speed up with the difference in weight (the LANCE-A-LONG though collapsible still bearing incredible mass). But the fully extended pole remains awkwardly poking out from the top of the waters, an obstacle in the lake for those in the boats behind you to avoid... [[hopefully...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Take this banner, friend. May you always remember the colours of the knight that was kind to you..." The hooded figure looks up at you, somehow unimpressed by your offer of a piece of ribbon. He begins to recite some incantation under his breath, and before you know it a huge wave has risen unnaturally from the waters and crashed into your boat, leaving the knights dampened, furious, and one or two overboard and [[in for a long swim...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> <<set $ribbon to false>>

"What else but my trusty banner could row us to safety!" You lower a piece of limp fabric into the waters, and your fellow knights watch in utter dismay as you calmly brush the lake's surface with your resplendant ribbon. Almost mesmerised by your serene and useless strategy, they watch as you swoop your wet cloth back and forth, unwilling to admit you have no idea why you thought [[this would be of help...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"I shall abandon the colours of my own noble lineage! You stand at the stern of the and mournfully release your resplendent ribbon into the lake. The knights simply cannot fathom how you believed losing a light piece of material could possibly speed up the storm-tossed ship, and shake their heads at your attention-seeking [[tokenistic gesture...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"Take this plump, juicy chicken, storm-tossed one! You seem in need of a decent meal." The shrouded figure takes the bird from you with a look of bemusement (in all fairness how would he even cook the thing while stuck at sea - and he may well have been vegetarian...) You share one last look with CHAUNCEY as your veseel speeds on past the rowboat, wondering whether to write in his epitaph that he was eaten, drowned, or simply [['lost at sea'...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <center><img src="images/boatsassist.jpg"></center> <<set $chicken to false>>

"This chicken shall serve as a handy oar! Let us ROW ON!" The knights look on in horror as you plunge CHAUNCEY below the water, threshing him back and forth in an attempt to help the ship move. No meagre difference to speed could ever be worth such a violent loss of poultry life, and the knights turn their back on your in mourning for the feathered mascot they had [[all come to cherish...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"CHAUNCEY, my friend... it's time prove the naysayers wrong." With a nod and a single firm 'BGAWK', CHAUNCEY THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE is tossed off the stern of the ship. The knights gasp at your act of sudden poultrycide... until they see the figure of Chauncey rise up from behind the boat, his far-from-aerodynamic wings flapping at an incalculable rate. He winks at you, for one last time, before soaring off across the lakes, and up [[above the clouds...|Scenario TOURNAMENT]] <<set $chicken to false>>

Having arrived safely, if saturatedly, onto the island, it's time for the festivites to commence with... the TOURNAMENT! Your fellow knights ready themselves to display their physical prowess before the assembled court - in events such as Archery, Charioteering, 'Escorting the Unbroken Oeuf with the Stirring Utensil'... <center><img src="images/tournament.jpg"></center> But before you can decide which of these you wish to try, you are struck across the chops by the perfectly aimed gauntlet of one Æubrey the Dependable, your knightly nemesis. "Ængelbert, you wayward oaf - I hereby challenge you! Choose your challenge, and we shall duel for [[ultimate glory...|TOURNAMENT Choices]]

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) JOUST YOUR RIVAL''</div> "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''b) FIGHT THEM MELEE''</div> "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" <div class="fakelink">''c) BRIBE THEM TO LOSE''</div> "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <<if $sword is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $crown is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $potion is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $lance is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $ribbon is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $chicken is true>> <a data-passage="Tournament Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> </center> <<set $tournament to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Tournament Joust Sword]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Tournament Melee Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Tournament Bribe Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Tournament Joust Crown]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Tournament Melee Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Tournament Bribe Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Tournament Joust Potion]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Tournament Melee Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Tournament Bribe Potion]]\ <</if>>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Tournament Joust Lance]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Tournament Melee Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Tournament Bribe Lance]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/ribbon.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Tournament Joust Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Tournament Melee Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Tournament Bribe Ribbon]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $tournament is 1>>\ "How dare you! Ready your steed and prepare to be struck from it... with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to JOUST YOUR RIVAL, with... <<elseif $tournament is 2>>\ "This shall be resolved by an old-fashioned brawl. Choose your weapon - for I have chosen THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to FIGHT THEM MELEE, and your weapon is... <<else>>\ "We shall fight bare knuckle! (But... if you throw the fight for me you can have THIS.)" You, Ængelbert, have chosen to BRIBE THEM TO LOSE, and have offered them... \ <</if>>\ [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $tournament is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Tournament Joust Chicken]]\ <<elseif $tournament is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Tournament Melee Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Tournament Bribe Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

You charge your horse towards Æubrey's, faithful that with EXPIALIDOSHUR you can not only knock their body from its steed, but also their head from its shoulders... But alas, a broadsword is not lengthy enough for jousting! While your sword barely reaches the tilt, your rival's lance strikes clean into your chest, sending you crashing to the ground with much more of you seriously bruised than [[just your pride...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $sword to false>>

Æubrey fights you sword to sword, parrying EXPIALIDOSHUR until their weapon clashes to the ground and they beg you, their superior, for mercy... But all too late. Your SWORD OF CERTAIN BEHEADING finds it purchase and strikes their noggin clean from their neck. The assembled court gasp in horror at this lethal end to what was clearly meant to be a non-fatal combat... [[Oops...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $sword to false>>

"If you throw the fight you can keep EXPIALIDOSHUR, the sharpest sword in all the land!" Æubrey the Dependable is thrilled with the offer, and gladly goes down with one punch to secretly take such a deadly prize from off your hands... You sense you may have looked the stronger combatant this year round, but with that thing at their side, you'd better make sure to stay on their good side [[from now on...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $sword to false>>

Charging towards your opponent, you lob the gleaming crown of SPLENDORE towards them - an act of such sheer incongruity that it distracts Æubrey, who promptly falls from their horse before their lance can find purchase! Amazed that your treasure came in handy for this avant-garde purpose, you accept the crowds bemused applause, and feel you may just have invented [[a whole new sport...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $crown to false>>

Your weapon: A CROWN. Their weapon: A MACE. ... Your suspicions this could only end one way are certainly confirmed, as your softly spiked crown can only serve so much use in hand-to-hand combat. It serves as more of a shield than weapon, as you cower behind it outstretched, allowing Æubrey's mace to dent and batter the precious treasure beyond recognition. With the crown destroyed they seem content to let the fight end there, knowing they've certainly done you great [[economic harm...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $crown to false>>

"SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH?! I'll be set for life!" Æubrey is dependably wooed by the crown's promise of infinite riches, and not only lets you win but straps themselves in for a thorough trouncing. The court stand in ovation at your martial prowess, and with a cheeky wink from the floor Æubrey throws in a few extra panto groans [[for good measure...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $crown to false>>

With no real weapon to hand to strike Æubrey from their steed with, you down the holy ointment and hope it takes away some of the pain at least, readying yourself for the impact of your rival's lance... But remarkably, the potion seems to have given you incredible resilience, and Æubrey's pole rebounds off your chest, leaving you unscathed! No technical winner to the joust, but the crowd applaud in speculation at your clearly [[unwavering core strength...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $potion to false>>

Facing off against an axe-wielding Æubrey, you panic and toss the holy tincture over them. Who knows, maybe it will magically transform them into a snail...? Almost. In fact it has magically transformed your opponent into an eight foot tall bear. Worth a try, you think, as you face off against the eviscerating brute without a single weapon to hand... After a thorough mauling you eventually lunge for the axe to finally smite the former Æubrey, before an astounded, if [[entertained, crowd...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $potion to false>>

Æubrey accepts your elixir offer, agreeing to go down from the first strong punch... but then downs the potion before the fight! With the holy ointment of UNGENSIA coursing through their dependable veins, a glowing aura emanates from their body, forming a radiant protective barrier which your punches rebound off every time! Out of sheer frustration at this unwinnable endeavour, you lie yourself on the ground and accept defeat, much to [[the unmoving Audrey's bemusement...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $potion to false>>

Of coure. There could only be one tool for this event... As Æubrey charges their steed towards yours, smugly looking down at your deceptively minute weapon, you unleash LANCE-A-LONG and extend it to its full span! Aghast and unable to turn back now, Æubrey can only career straight into your outstretched pole - clattering to the earth with a resounding thud. You retire from the field to rapturous applause, content that your new knightly innovation has certainly [[served its purpose...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $lance to false>>

You unfurl your collapsible lance to its full impressive length... "Funny Ængelbert, I'd have thought you'd want to joust with that thing, but then you've always been somewhat unpredictable..." You sense you may have chosen the wrong sport for this thing, and with LANCE-A-LONG proving far too unwieldy for hand-to-hand combat, you suffer a humilating beating from your [[opportunistic opponent...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $lance to false>>

"Take this - see it actually collapses in on itself in a fascinating sequence of - "I care not for this petty lance! Fisticuffs it is - but fair and square!" Oh dear. Seems like LANCE-A-LONG wasn't a particularly brilliant bribe... In the ring your chops take a good boxing till you stumble back unconscious, only to be revived and reminded of your failures in time [[for the evening's banquet...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $lance to false>>

"If I must be struck from steed, I will go down in style..." As Æubrey's lance reaches closer and closer, you reach up to unfurl your banner, waving your noble lineage's colours proudly as you are sent flying from your horse. The ribbon helps you almost parachute downwards, as you land gracefully to the ground - though still injured, and the crowd left in no doubt as to which regal family the fallen knight [[belongs to...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

Their choice of weapon: A Steel Mace. Yours: A Silk Ribbon. Wielding the standard of your family line, you flourish the regal banner in a hypnotic whirlwind of colour and fabric, temporarily confusing Æubrey... before he dependably comes to his senses and unceremoniously batters you. Yet the crowd will remember your passionate, maverick display for [[years to come...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"You're offering me a bit of ribbon with your own house's colours on...? Exactly how badly do you wish to get beaten up, Ængelbert?" Gulp indeed. You step trepidatiously into the fisticuffs ring and before you can offer a single performative swing of the wrist, you are sent flyingn back out of the ring by Æubrey's dependably intense uppercut to the jaw. You look down at your foresaken banner, and still think it would make a [[lovely table dressing...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $ribbon to false>>

"I'm sorry old friend." Charging towards Aubrey's oncoming lance with no weapon or shield to defend yourself with, you instead reveal CHAUNCEY, your trusted poultry friend. At least, friend until now. Holding him outstretched, you see one last look of sheer panic from this beady little eyes as - 'BGAWWK!!' CHAUNCEY takes the lance meant for you clean to his little feathered breast... No technical winner to this joust, but the crowd left in no doubt who the real [[chicken was on the field...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"I nominate an ally to fight you hand-to-hand in my honour ... or should that be, hand-to-BEAK!" CHAUNCEY steps out from behind the shadows, his neck pulsating in pent up rage. In the brawling pit, you watch an initially cocksure Æubrey left cowering beneath the fluttering, scratching menace of this champion chicken Recognising a true undefeatable foe when he sees one, Æubrey collapses to his knees, before CHAUNCEY (and notably, not you) is declared the [[bravest knight in all the land...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $chicken to false>>

"What's this? You wish to bribe me with a chicken? I think we all know how the REAL chicken is around here!" Æubrey loudly guffaws as he announces your sneaky intentions before the assembled cohort, who burst into laughter at both you and your feathered companion. All CHAUNCEY can do is shake his head in disapproval at your tactics, and shuffle off to hopefully find a new master who will [[put him to braver use...|Scenario BANQUET]] <<set $chicken to false>>

After surviving the trials of the tournament, the perils and torments of the day have surely come to an end as you change out of your armour ready for the evening's BANQUET. This is also your first chance to meet one-on-one with His Royal Highness rthe Prince Garnier - who it turns out is far more dashing than you remember... <center><img src="images/prince.jpg"></center> The Prince summons you towards his throne, to bow before him and answer his simple request: "Ængelbert, my erratic errant knight... what ''contribution'' have you brought towards my [[bountiful banquet this evening...|BANQUET Choices]]

O Noble and Unpredictable Knight, do you: <div class="fakelink">''a) OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT''</div> "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." <div class="fakelink">''b) CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST''</div> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." <div class="fakelink">''C) PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY''</div> "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" <center> <span class="inventory"> INVENTORY </span> </center> <center> <<if $sword is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Sword" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/swordmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $crown is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Crown" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/crownmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $potion is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Potion" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/potionmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $lance is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Lance" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/lancemini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $ribbon is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Ribbon" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/ribbonmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> <<if $chicken is true>> <a data-passage="Banquet Chicken" class="link-internal link-image"> <img src="images/chickenmini.jpg" > </a> <</if>> </center> <<set $banquet to random (1, 3)>>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/swordsideways.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Banquet Offer Sword]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Banquet Feast Sword]]\ <<else>>\ [[EXPIALIDOSHUR, THE SWORD OF CERTAIN-BEHEADING|Banquet Perform Sword]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/crown.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Banquet Offer Crown]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Banquet Feast Crown]]\ <<else>>\ [[SPLENDORE, THE CROWN OF EXORBITANT WEALTH|Banquet Perform Crown]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/potion.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Banquet Offer Potion]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Banquet Feast Potion]]\ <<else>>\ [[UNGUENSIA, THE HOLY OINTMENT OF (POTENTIAL) HEALING|Banquet Perform Potion]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/lance.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Banquet Offer Lance]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Banquet Feast Lance]]\ <<else>>\ [[LANCE-A-LONG, THE POLE OF DECEPTIVELY-FAR-REACH|Banquet Perform Lance]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/ribbon.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Banquet Offer Ribbon]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Banquet Feast Ribbon]]\ <<else>>\ [[TRILLBURY, THE REGAL RIBBON OF MESMERISATION|Banquet Perform Ribbon]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

<center> <<if $banquet is 1>>\ "Your Radiant Highness, I offer you my eternal service, and THIS humble gift." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to OFFER A PERSONAL GIFT, presenting to the Prine Garnier... <<elseif $banquet is 2>> "Your banquet is indeed bountiful sire, but no royal feast would be complete without... THIS." You, Ængelbert, have chosen to CONTRIBUTE TO THE FEAST, offering the inclusion of... <<else>>\ "I offer the contribution of entertainment, your Highness - I shall dazzle you, with THIS!" You, Ængelbert, have offer to PERFORM FOR HIS MAJESTY, and your central prop shall be... <</if>>\ [img[images/chicken.jpg]] <span class="center">\ <<if $banquet is 1>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Banquet Offer Chicken]]\ <<elseif $banquet is 2>> [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Banquet Feast Chicken]]\ <<else>>\ [[CHAUNCEY, THE CHERISHED CHICKEN OF CHEPSTOWE|Banquet Perform Chicken]]\ <</if>> </span> </center>

"Please accept EXPIALIDOSHUR as a sign of my humble servitude." "One has no need for weapons, Ængelbert. Keep it, and wield it my name throughout the land." The Prince Garnier has rejected your gift, but was flattered by the implication. Your fellow knights look on jealously as you stay beside his highness for some time, resting safe in the knowledge that he, at least, approves of\ <<if $health <=0>>''[[your knightly status...|Perished (Health 0)]]''\ <<else>>''[[your knightly status...|Survived - Final Score]]''\ <</if>>

"But Ængelbert, what do you mean by this? But we cannot consume the sword of EXPIALIDOSHUR?" "No, my lord... but I can certainly CARVE with it!" You head towards the giant roasted cockatrice at the centre of the banquet, and begin to carve the layers of swan, stuffed with goose, stuffed with turkey, stuffed with duck, with incredible precision. The Prince and his court are wowed by your wafer-thin slicing precision, and you feel you may just have earned a personal spot at the royal banquets <<if $health <=0>>''[[for the rest of your days...|Perished (Health 0)]]''\ <<else>>''[[for the rest of your days...|Survived - Final Score]]''\ <</if>>

"Your Majesty, come into the centre of the ballroom and stand perfectly still for me. Now balance this apple squarely on your head, and don't move a muscle. I will now demonstrate my skill with this rare blade as I slice the apple core CLEAN IN -" A tremendous thud as the head of the young Prince Garnier lands at the floor. Your protests at accidental beheading are all in vein - if that were in fact an undercover assasination attempt, it was certainly ''[[a successful one...|Perished (Health 0)]]'' <<set $health to 0>>

"What else but the perfect crown, for my perfect monarch...?" "Why, Ængelbert! It's perfect! I intend to wear it right away - who cares if these silly old royal diadem has been here centuries. This shall adorn my head now..." The Prince Garnier is clearly overjoyed with your fabulous and clearly incredibly valuable gift. By the end of the night you have become his personal attendant, and invited along to a private supper\ <<if $health <=0>>''[[whenever you choose...|Perished (Health 0)]]''\ <<else>>''[[whenever you choose...|Survived - Final Score]]''\ <</if>>

"We shall dine on this, you Highness!" "A crown, Ængelbert?! One is not sure what thr metaphorical ramifications of this gesture are... Do you intend to consume and be rid of my authority also?!" You make your protestations in vein to the Prince Garnier as he dismisses you from the banquet. Dejected at the accidental offence your gesture caused, you decide to eat the crown yourself as punishment on your way home - \ <<if $health <=0>>''[[one ruby at a time...|Perished (Health 0)]]''\ <<else>>''[[one ruby at a time...|Survived - Final Score]]''\ <</if>>

You perform a piece of intereptative dance before the young prince, twirling the opulent crown in amusing and resplendent ways, before... placing it on your own head. You hadn't even thought about the ramifications of this until you hear the Prince Garnier screaming: "TREASON! Guards, SEIZE HIM!" You have been sentenced to trial and almost certain execution for your inflammatory and thinly veiled suggestion... 'Shame', you think. 'It [[looked rather good on me...'|Perished (Health 0)]] <<set $health to 0>>

The Prince Garnier takes one sniff of the pungent Unguenisa... and immediately starts gagging. "Are you trying to poison me? GUARDS! SEIZE HIM!" You are appreheneded by the hundreds of other knights present, who have no qualms in dragging you down to the dungeon to await a certain execution in the morning. 'If only he'd given it a taste first', [[you wonder...|Perished (Health 0)]] <<set $health to 0>>

"This shall be our libation for the evening - we shall all drink from the font of St Arrivederci!" Pouring the contents of UNGENSIA's vial into the collective punch bowl, you wonder what restorative effect it will have on the assembled court... In fact it just seems to render everyone even more blind drunk than usual! A wonderful time is had by all, and more than one of the lords and ladies pester you at the end for some more of \ <<if $health <=0>>[['that magic sauce'...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[['that magic sauce'...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

You imbibe the holy oil and watch the entire court gasp as your wounds from across the days journey heal over, restoring you to a youthful glow! In fact, it's as if your skin is getting younger and younger by the second... Until, in fact, you realise you are also shrinking, and the restorative liquer has actually reverted you to the body of your nine-year-old-self. "Very impressive", says Prince Garnier with a demeaning pat on the head. "Now, young man, I believe it's \ <<if $health <=0>>[[past your bedtime...|Perished (Health 0)]]"\ <<else>>[[past your bedtime...|Survived - Final Score]]"\ <</if>> <<set $health to 100>>

"Here, your Highness, take this new invention of mine! Not only does the LANCE-A-LONG unfurl to -" "What possible use would one have for an object of such practical utility? My reply is, how the unschooled say... 'Thanks, but No Thanks.'" You slink back to your place at the banquet hall to a jeering from the knights, who know that the key to the young prince's favour might even be out of \ <<if $health <=0>>[[LANCE-A-LONG's reach...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[LANCE-A-LONG's reach...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"But Ængelbert, how could we possibly feast on a lance-pole?" "Ah, my lord - we will instead feast WITH it. BRING OUT THE HOG ROAST!" Prince Garnier steps back in surprise at the reveal of a whole wild boar caught fresh that very morning (it happened sometime between the monks and the bird-man, I forgot to mention...) and watches in awe as your prepare the spit roast with LANCE-A-LONG. It does take a very long time to cook from scratch, though, and by the time the meal is served the knights are\ <<if $health <=0>>[[far from impressed...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[far from impressed...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"In a feat of daring-do I shall POLE-VAULT THE LENGTH OF THIS GREAT HALL!" You line up your shot from along the benches, ready to plunge LANCE-A-LONG into the cracks of the floor, fly across the expansive room, and land squarely next to your Prince... 'Next to', however, became more 'On top of' which your disasterous aim, and the Prince was far from amused (unlike your wildly entertained \ <<if $health <=0>>[[knightly brethren...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[knightly brethren...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"My lord, for a graceful and captivating king, please accept this banner of fine silk - dyed in my own humble colours." "Then your colours shall deck my halls, good Ængelburt. One is amused indeed." Wooed by the soft fabric of the silk, the Prince Garnier is tricked into flying the TRILLBURY standard around his castle (surely making your inevitable overthrowal that little bit \ <<if $health <=0>>[[less suspect...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[less suspect...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"I've long suspected that TRILLBURY'S true calling was not as a banner at all... but as an excellent banquet dressing." "Certainly, Ængelbert. Spread it across the royal table - and come join us!" Well a slightly undignifies use of your own regal standard as a tablecloth has in fact led you to being invited onto the prince's private table. Cavorting with the highest echelons of the nobility, your fellow knights look on jealously, as you dine on the finest foods that \ <<if $health <=0>>[[money can buy...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[money can buy...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"I present to you, your highness... THE RUMBA. OF THE RIBBON." Leaping across the ballroom chamber with more strength and agility than you've shown in years, you dazzle the assembled court with a balletic and powerful display, swooping your banner with both authority and tender passion. The Prince Garnier stands from his throne, proclaiming to the room: "I HEREBY ANNOINT YOU MY CHAMPION! \ <<if $health <=0>>[[OF THE BALLROOM!|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[OF THE BALLROOM!|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"I gift to you my greatest friend in all the world - CHAUNCEY, the Cherished Chicken of Chepstowe. He is yours now, your Majesty. Do with him as you see fit." "And in honour of your sacrifice, young knight, we too shall regard this rare rooster as our own closest companion - and trusted personal advisor!" You smile at Chauncey, pleased that he has been elavated above you in the ranks of noble lineage! But Chauncey does not smile back, those beady bird-eyes clouded over with a look of determination you'd almost describe as \ <<if $health <=0>>[[Macchiavellian...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[Macchiavellian...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"We must feast on THIS, your Highness! Though there be not much meat on him, I have reared him myself since birth for this very occassion!" Defending your ears to his squawks of appeal, you hand Chauncey over to the cooks and await as, truly, the most succulent chicken you have ever eaten is brought before you and the Prince. You dine together, growing much closer as allies, and try to reassure yourself of your fowl-deed by concluding that this is \ <<if $health <=0>>[[what Chauncey would have wanted...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[what Chauncey would have wanted...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

"You've heard of those who can summon a hare from their helm... Now watch as I summon a CHICKEN from thin air!" For the next hour or so, you perform a splendid magic attack rehearsed over many years with your pal CHAUNCEY - making him disappear up your sleeve, reappear in a rival's breastplate, even find the Prince's card in a well-shuffled deck with only his beak. The Prince Garnier and all assembled are wowed beyond belief, and the legend of court magicians Ængelbert and Chauncey is \ <<if $health <=0>>[[only just beginning...|Perished (Health 0)]]\ <<else>>[[only just beginning...|Survived - Final Score]]\ <</if>>

<center>\ Well, first off, congratulations are in order - you've only gone and: <div class="title">''SURVIVED!''</div> Which means it's time to reveal your... \ <<set $chivalry to random(1, 400)>> <span class="title">\ <<if ($chivalry >=350)>>[[CHIVALRY RANK|Chivalry Score: The Perfect Knight]]\ <<elseif ($chivalry >=280) and ($chivalry < 350)>>[[CHIVALRY RANK|Chivalry Score: A Splendid Display]]\ <<elseif ($chivalry >=170) and ($chivalry < 280) and ($honour >=10) and ($bravery >=10) and ($courtesy >=10) and ($might >=10)>>[[CHIVALRY RANK|Chivalry Score: Fair Game]]\ <<elseif ($chivalry >=80) and ($chivalry < 170) and ($honour >=10) and ($bravery >=10) and ($courtesy >=10) and ($might >=10)>>[[CHIVALRY RANK|Chivalry Score: A Sorry Show]]\ <<elseif ($chivalry <80) or ($honour is 0) or ($bravery is 0) or ($courtesy is 0) or ($might is 0)>> [[CHIVALRY RANK|Chivalry Score: Disgraced!]] <</if>> </span> </center>

Oh, Ængelbert. I'm afraid your unpredictable ways have lead to your all too early demise, and that you have: <div class="title">''PERISHED'' </div> <center><img src="images/burial.jpg" max-width=300px></center> Whether you end up entombed in a knightly mausoleum or your head left on a warning spike is up to the Garniers... Once again, sadly, it is a decision that's out of your hands... What rotten luck, eh - after all you can't help what impulsive decisions strike you in the moment. Perhaps you should have another go? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] <span class="right">\ [[Introduction]] [[Credits]] </span>

<div class="title">CHIVALRY RANK: THE PERFECT KNIGHT</div> An absolutely exemplary performance! Congratulations Ængelbert, you have proven yourself to be (practically) perfect in every regard! Some are even whispering you're displaying qualities that would even make a great MONARCH (but shh, none of that for now, 'divine right' and all that...) <center><img src="images/perfectknight.jpg" max-width=300px></center> Even with your wayward and fickle decision-making, you've managed to prove yourself a valiant and trustworthy knight of the realm - huzzah! (Now at this point, you may be feeling that your decision making did not deserve such a celebratory fate... and you'd be right to think that the scoring system here is a little too 'Ængelbert-like' for its own good. But watch this space for a post-Jam update that'll leave players a little less OUT OF CONTROL...) For now though, you could see how Ængelbert fares with your inventory guidance on another run? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] OR... [[Introduction]] [[Credits]]

<div class="title">CHIVALRY RANK: DISGRACED</div> Well, well, Ængelbert. It appears your erratic ways have got the better have you, your demonstration of certain knightly virtues so far below the belt that you'll be stripped of all rank and forced to start a new life as a humble pig farmer. Here's hoping you can find a new pal Pauncey to pass the hours with... <center><img src="images/pigfarmer.jpg" max-width=400px></center> (Now at this point, you may be feeling that your decision making did not deserve such a damning fate... and you'd be right to think that the scoring system here is a little too 'Ængelbert-like' for its own good. But watch this space for a post-Jam update that'll leave players a little less OUT OF CONTROL...) For now though, you could see how Ængelbert fares with your inventory guidance on another run? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] OR... [[Introduction]] [[Credits]]

<div class="title">CHIVALRY RANK: A SPLENDID DISPLAY</div> Well, well, well, what a suprise! You, Ængelbert, have more than risen the challenge - wrestling those wilder chaotic impulses to meet up handsomely to the standards of chevalric honour by which the knights of the realm live... A minor miracle, I'd say. As such, you have now been newly anointed in the royal colours of House Garnier. <center><img src="images/engelbert2.jpg" max-width=300px></center> Even with your wayward and fickle decision-making, you've managed to prove yourself a valiant and trustworthy knight of the realm - huzzah! (Now at this point, you may be feeling that your decision making did not deserve such a celebratory fate... and you'd be right to think that the scoring system here is a little too 'Ængelbert-like' for its own good. But watch this space for a post-Jam update that'll leave players a little less OUT OF CONTROL...) For now though, you could see how Ængelbert fares with your inventory guidance on another run? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] OR... [[Introduction]] [[Credits]]

<div class="title">CHIVALRY RANK: FAIR GAME</div> Well Ængelbert, it appears having set out as a middling knight of little note, you have finished the game in rsather the same position.. And fair play to you, I say - balance is no mean feat. As a reward you have been gifted a hawk to replace Chauncey - and are free to name him as you wish... You, of course, choose 'Hawksy'. <center><img src="images/hawk.jpg" max-width=300px></center> Even with your wayward and fickle decision-making, you've somehow managed to prove yourself a dependable and distinctly average knight... a real achievement, in its own way. (Now at this point, you may be feeling that your decision making did not deserve such a middling fate... and you'd be right to think that the scoring system here is a little too 'Ængelbert-like' for its own good. But watch this space for a post-Jam update that'll leave players a little less OUT OF CONTROL...) For now though, you could see how Ængelbert fares with your inventory guidance on another run? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] OR... [[Introduction]] [[Credits]]

<div class="title">CHIVALRY RANK: A SORRY SHOW</div> Oh, Ængelbert. A hard day in the knightly office - you've ended up severely underperforming, embarrassing yourself in front of your knightly colleagues, and surely foresaking your invite to the christmas party. But, things could have gone worse - you could have been disgraced or executed. (No honestly, you could have been.) Granted no special boons for your poor knightly display, there is nothing for you but to head home and drown your sorrows in mead, straight from the bowl... <center><img src="images/drink.jpg" max-width=300px></center> (Now at this point, you may be feeling that your decision making did not deserve such a damning fate... and you'd be right to think that the scoring system here is a little too 'Ængelbert-like' for its own good. But watch this space for a post-Jam update that'll leave players a little less OUT OF CONTROL...) For now though, you could see how Ængelbert fares with your inventory guidance on another run? I can guarantee you things won't turn out exactly the same [[the next time around...|Ready to Begin]] OR... [[Introduction]] [[Credits]]

<div class="title">Ængelbert the Unpredictable</div> <span class="center">\ by Harley Viveash Created as part of the GMTK Game Jam 2020 Music: Copyright-Free Medieval Music (Always Awake - Youtube channel) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZ_r1H9vHkI&list=PLnuhlOfdJ2WKvIu8eaF3uel9p3VjuK10M All images are taken from public domain, copyright-free manuscript scans, from the archives of the British Library and the Getty Museum. These manuscripts are full of more beauty and bonkersness than I could possibly fit in here - check out both museum's websites for more info about and to peruse them yourself. Thanks a lot for playing! </span> (This is actually my first published Twine game. Constructive feedback -especially through the Jam - is more than welcome.) [[Back to Title|Title]] [[Go again...|Ready to Begin]]

At the end of the game you will be given a CHIVALRY RANK, based on your adherence to the knightly virtues of Honour, Bravery, Courtesy, and Might, and how these are reflected across the span of your erratic actions. Although, mostly, try your best to survive the day. When you're not exactly in control of your actions that's [[easier said that done...|Ready to Begin]]